He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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