I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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