I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
