wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
