I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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