Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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