Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
