dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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