I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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