Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
