I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You are a genius and a whore.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
