Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
