I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
