my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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