Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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