Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
