dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
