I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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