She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
