It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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