so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
