i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
