I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
