Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
