I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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