I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
