I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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