Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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