I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
