I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
