My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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