I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
