someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
