Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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