Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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