idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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