I wish you could order shots online.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
