listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
