I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
