I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
