Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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