my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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