If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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