I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
