I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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