you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
