True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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