I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize