My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
