this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
