maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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