He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Even the bartender felt bad for me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
