She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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