I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
