i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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