I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
