Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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