I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
