This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
