took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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