I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
