I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
