When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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