Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize