I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
