Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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